The Facebook Plays

For the past few years, Emily Rose has been writing short plays for her facebook friends. Here is a selection of them.

Hey - A Modern Friendship Play

By Emily Rose Simons

22 October 2017

(Facebook Video Chat Screen opens)

A: Hey

B: (friendly silent video)

A: Can you hear me?

B: (nods and mouths things)

A: facebook's being a piece of shit

B: (mime-like confusion face)

A: I can't hear you.

B: (mime-like sad face)

B: (sad emoji)

B: (cute sad puppy meme)

B: (typed) Skype?

A: (long sigh then hangs up)

(5 minutes later A finally remembers their Skype password and logs in)

B: Finally!!

A: Yeah I..

B: Are you frozen?

A: ...

A: Knoh (frozen) whe (frozen)

B: Let's try Google Hangout!!

A: (uncomfortable looking frozen tableau)

(screen goes blank)

(5 minutes later A has finished Googling what Google Hangout is and deciphered how to use it)

A: Are you there?

B: Hey!!

A: Oh my God!! Video, sound and everything!

B: I know, ama.. (screen goes blank)

(On Whatsapp)

A: (typed) fuck this shit. Give me 15 hours and I'll meet you in Toast.

[End of Play]

Emily Visits New York For A Workshop: A Repatriation Play

5 April 2018

Scene 1: At home

Mum: Why don't you score the music on the plane?

Emily: I have to hum when I score and that might be disturbing to the other passengers.

Scene 2: On the plane

(Emily is loudly cry-laughing and continuously farting whilst watching Michelle Wolf's stand up special.)

Good Evening, Motherfu- : A Repatriation Play

18 May 2018

Me (to manager): If I ask the audience permission, can I start the screen announcement for Deadpool 2 with "Good evening, mother fu-"

Manager: Emily, you can't say that.

Me: But people liked it when I introduced our improv team like that.

Manager: This isn't improv.

Me: But, what if I ask permission?

Manager: I can't have an employee swear.

Me: Ok... (looks sad)... (then smiles)

(Manager begins to walk off. Turns around.)

Manager: Emily, don't swear in the screen announcement.

Me: I won't. (smiles)

(Manager walks off)

(Manager returns)

Manager: Emily, please don't swear in the screen announcement.

Me: I promise. (smiles)

Manager: I'm going to watch you do the screen announcement.

Me: Ok. (smiles)

Manager: So you better not swear.

Me: (smiles)

[ten minutes later waiting for the end of the adverts. Manager standing behind me]

Me: No one's ever handed me a P45 before.

Manager: Emily-

Me: (Walks to the front to do the announcement) Good evening. I have prepared a extra special announcement for Deadpool 2. But management said it was inappropriate so.. (takes out napkin. Reads from napkin) Hello everyone, and welcome to Paddington 2. If you would like a marmalade sandwich, we do not have any. But at reception we will serve you other food and drinks. Please remember to switch off your phones. And have a Merry Christmas.

[I still have a job. End of Play]

Printing: A Repatriation Play

By Emily Rose Simons

15 December 2017

(Emily is printing music in the middle of the night.)

(The printer runs out of ink.)

(Emily sobs uncontrollably on the floor in the foetal position.)

(Emily realises her face is next to a box of unopened printer cartridges.)

(Emily gets off the floor, changes the cartridge and continues printing.)

(Emily has stopped crying.)

[End of play]

About To Leave For The Work Christmas Party: A Repatriation Play

9 January 2018

Me: I can't drink on tube. If I get arrested, I'll get depor.. Oh wait. They can't deport me. I live here! .. still probably shouldn't get arrested though.

The Common Cold: A Repatriation Play

6 February 2018

(Emily is sitting up in bed ina zombie-like position staring at her computer. She is surrounded by many, many gross tissues. Her bedroom now resembles a teenage boy's.)

Head: Emily, you're hungry. You should eat.

Body: (lets out groan)

Head: Emily, it's only a few steps. Remember when you would have to go in an elevator to the cafeteria? Or round the corner to Bahamas!

Body: (lets out weaker but more irritated groan)

Head: Oh, stop being so bloody melodramatic! I really don't see why you're making such a fuss. It's no where near as bad as the colds you got in New York..

Body: F**k ... off.

(Mind and Body further vegetate to BBC IPlayer)

...

Head: Well, this is nice. Who needs stronger (to the point of dangerous levels) cold medication when we've got the beeb?! .. Eh?

(power runs out on laptop. Charger is on other side of the room)

Head: Umm.. Emily...

[End of Play.]

First Night in New Flat - A Repatriation Play

By Emily Rose Simon

22 December 2017

(At 2.30am in North-West London, after a closing shift at the cinema, Emily gets off the night bus that stops at the end of her road. She is happy. Proximity to a night bus route is living the London dream.)

(Emily walks up the suburban road.)

(After a few minutes of smiling to herself with the glee of sleeping in a double bed, Emily looks up to see number 47.)

(This confuses Emily as she lives at number 38.)

(Emily realises she's on the wrong road.)

(Emily goes back to the main road and arrives at her flat a few minutes later.)

End of play.

Customer Service: A Repatriation Play

13 January 2018

(Emily gleefully arrives at the Marks and Spencer with a £11 jumper down from £35)

Emily: (to checkout lady) hello!

Checkout Lady: (picks up jumper. Glares at jumper. Glares at Emily.) You know you can't return sale items.

Emily: .. yes.

Checkout Lady: (Glares at jumper. Glares at Emily.) You know it's a small.

Emily: Yes.

Checkout Lady: You tried it on?

Emily: ..Yes. (This is a lie as Emily has a very low Brent Cross threshold)

(Checkout lady rolls her eyes and folds the jumper for the transaction)

(Emily is currently wearing jumper and fucking loves it.)

End of Play.

Sickness: A Repatriation Play

6 March 2018

(Because apparently repatriation means getting a bunch of illnesses)

Act 1: At Work

Scene 1: At Work

(Emily is better. Out of bed and back at work.)

Body: I'm hungry.

Emily: ...

Body: I said I'm..

Emily: Yeah, I heard.

Body: And?

Emily: No.

Body: But I'm..

Emily: You're tricking me. I know you.

Body: But if I'm hungry, that means I'm better

Emily: Tell that to yesterday's bagel.

Body: I won't give you stomach cramps! Promise!

Emily: I don't have time for this.

(Emily prepares to take a tray)

Body: Fine. Don't feed me. I'll just take energy out of your arms..

Emily: (almost drops the tray) Hey!

Body: .. And your brain..

(Emily almost cries when no one is in E7 and E8 to receive the order. And then again when her colleagues point out she's in the wrong cinema.)

Body: .. And your legs..

(Emily concentrates very hard on not tripping down the stairs. And is amazed she reached the E7 and E8.)

Emily: Fine!

Scene 2: At work 45 minutes later

Body: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!!!!

Emily: You said you were hungry!

Body: So you put.. STUFF in our mouth and magically thought sunshine would come out your arse?

Emily: It wasn't stuff! It was sweet potato fries! You love sweet potato fries!

Body: Actually, you know what I love? Not dealing with fucking sweet potato fries whilst just trying to keep the lights on! You had a fever yesterday and your period arrived this morning, you think I've got time to deal with this shit!!!

Emily: You were hungry!

Body: You're an idiot! Enjoy stomach cramps for the rest of the shift. And forget about energy. I've got to use that to figure out this weird orange shit..

(Emily leans against the wall. There are a lot of trays to run.)

(a few hours later. Emily is sending emails in bed)

Body: I'm hungry..

Emily: Fuck off.

[End of Act 1]

Act 2: Middle of The Night

Scene 1: Bed

Body: (extremely excited) I'm going to be sick!

Emily: No you're not.

Body: Yes I am!

Emily: No you're not.

Body: Get up get up get up!!!

Emily: zzz

Body: ... You're period is leaking!

Emily: You're such a c**t. (Emily gets up)

Scene 2: Toilet

Body: (annoyingly happy) cough cough cough cough cough cough cough!!!

Emily: Shut up.

Body: (annoyingly and stupidly happy) cough cough cough cough cough cough cough!!!!!!!!

Emily: Shut up.

Body: (annoyingly, stupidly and irritatingly happy) cough! cough!

Emily: Shut up.

(Emily flushes the toilet)

Scene 3: Bathroom Sink (in Emily's flat these are in separate rooms.)

Body: COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH YAY!! oh..

(Body looks gingerly at the little bit of vomit pathetically collected in the bathroom sink)

Body: Is that all?

Emily: Ha. I knew I was right not to feed you!!

Body: You're so mean.

[End of Act 2]

Act 3: In The Kitchen The Next Morning

(Emily weakly stands in the kitchen with a stale bread roll and a mug of hot water.)

Emily: If I eat this, will you behave yourself?

Body: (with a mischievous smile) mayyyybe...

[End of Act 3]

[End of Play]

The New York Meeting: A Repatriation Play

1 February 2019

[2.48am in Golders Green, London.]

(Emily wakes up with drool on her notepad, a message from the producer saying "go to bed" and wondering if a meeting in New York was temporarily underscored by her snoring)

[End of play]

Shtisel is on Netflix: A Temple Fortune Play

17 February 2019

Emily: Shtisel! On Netflix! Yay!!! Wanted to watch this for years!!

Brain: I know we decided to avoid New York TV shows for a while but this might be a little too close to home..

Emily: Hush. I want to watch it.

(Suddenly a loud argument in Yiddish occurs on the street outside Emily's house)

(Emily pauses Netflix. Begins to write status.)

(Emily hears a niggun sung through the wall from next door.)

(Emily will probably continue watching.)

PSA: If you see Emily in a long skirt, send her back to High Barnet.

[End of play]

Announcement/life event/sort of? I don't know.

26 February 2019

I just finished a closing shift at Everyman Hampstead. Probably for the last time. Because, even though I have difficulties letting go and my boss has difficulty with changes and my name may or may not stay on the rota, and I technically quit a couple weeks ago when I accidentally destroyed over £100 worth of cocktails, to then be convinced to return to the cinema by our most loyal customer, and then be re-employed on the system (in the last week I have received my P45 and then an email welcoming me onto their pension scheme), whilst applying to jobs and interviewing and..

The fact is a new, lovely chapter is about to start. So, I'm taking this moment to acknowledge this chapter, that may or may not be (should really be) ending.

I did not expect to find so much joy working in a cinema. So much friendship, and support, and inspiration, so much fun, so much partying, drinking and dancing, and laughing, and sharing. Sitting in theatres feeling proud of my colleagues/friends. Performing to an audience, knowing they're there. Writing, rehearsing and collaborating with them. Walking down Temple Fortune carrying a double mattress. Sitting outside the King William in the summer being feasted on my mosquitos. Staying and chatting in the cinema until 2/3/4am. We watched Unseen together. We watched Hereditary together. My boss taught me how to kick a football.

I am so, so grateful for this beautiful team bringing me into their lives. The good luck card they gave me for my first trip back to New York stayed with me for the next trips and is one of my favourite possessions. The cinema has been a home. It has been a family. I am exceptionally lucky to think of it as a home and a family.

I may have hit my limit cleaning, making and selling pop corn, but I am incredibly grateful that I got to spend my first chapter back in London working in a happy, historic cinema in Hampstead.

The Church Retreat: An Emily works for a Church Play

7 April 2019

[In a monastery/Christian retreat venue in East London. Still not entirely sure where. East London is confusing. And far.]

(The staff and board members are deep in serious discussion about the congregation and community's relationship with the theological anchoring of church)

Newest Board Member: .. and how is a new reverend selected?

Emily: Have you ever seen The Hunger Games?

(Half the room responds with sufficient laughter)

Reverend: (To Emily) What is The Hunger Games?

[End of Play]

2 July 2019

(seeing friends after work)

my friend: Gosh, you look professional!

me: It's laundry day.

Post 6 Week Madness: A Jet-lag play

27 July 2019

Hyper-awake me: I'm going to do all the things!!!!!!

Realistic me: Put the computer away and watch netflix or you'll become a complete mess.

Hyper-awake me: No, I'm zzzzzzzzzzz

Inbox. A Quarantine Play.

30 April 2020

[27th April 2020. Emily Rose checks email. It's all round robins.]

Emily Rose: Huh. (calmly makes a cup of tea whilst quietly befriending a cloud of existential crisis.)

[30th April 2020. Emily Rose checks email. Amongst the round robins there are four emails addressed to Emily Rose that require a response.]

Emily Rose: Huh. (calmly makes a cup of tea whilst quietly but sternly telling herself that responding to emails is a relatively normal activity and does not require hiding behind the sofa.)

[End of Play.]

Emily Rose explains advent candles over Friday Night Kiddush zoom. A not-so-short play.

22 November 2020

Family: You meant advent calendar

Me: no, candle.

Family: Advent Candle? I've never heard of an advent candle! She must mean advent calendar.

Me: No. Advent candle.

Family: Advent.. candle?!

Me: Yes, we sent out advent candles

Family: Advent candles?

Family: How can you have advent candles?!

Family: How many of these candles did you have to send to each person?

Me: One.

Family: Just one?!!

Family: Is it an advent calendar with lots of little candles in it? I saw about that on the internet..

Me: No, it’s just one candle

Family: Must be a very large candle

Family: Did you have to send it through courier?

Me: It wasn’t that big. Just through the post office

Family: How can it last the whole of December?

Me: Well, funny story. They think they only have enough wax to last one day but by the miracle of advent it lasts all 24

Family: WHAT?!!

Me: It has little numbers down the side to keep track

Family: Does it have little chocolates inside?

Me: No. It’s a candle.

Family: It should have little chocolates inside.

Me: they might melt

Family: Why?

Me: Because it’s a candle.

Family: Not much of an advent if there’s no chocolate inside

Family: But how can they keep track?!

Me: They blow it out when it gets to the next number

Family: What do you mean the next number?

Me: So, they light it on the first day and blow it out when it gets to the number 2

Family: The number 2?!

Family: How do they know it got to the second day?

Me: The numbers are written down the side of the candle.

Family: Do they have to watch the candle then?

Me: I mean, you should always keep an eye on lit candles for fire safety..

Family: So they light the candle and have to wait until it gets to the next number - and then blow it out?

Me: Yes

Family: Sounds like a lot of faff

Family: So they’re spending the whole of December watching this candle?

Family: Not much else to whilst there’s this bloody virus..

Me: It won’t take that long for the candle to burn down to the next number each evening

Family: And what do they do whilst they’re watching this candle?

Me: umm.. I’m not sure actually.. something nice? sing carols? Talk to their family? Pray?

Family: Eat fondu and yodel you mean

Me: I think that might be offensive..

Family: How can it be offensive? They’re Swiss. It’s their religion.

Me: Swiss is not a religion, it’s a nationality..

Family: But it’s the Swiss Church?

Me: Yes, but..

Family: Are you absolutely sure you were only meant to send them one candle?

Family: It wouldn’t exactly be out of character for you to send them all the wrong number of candles..

Family: are you sure you heard the reverend probably?

Family: I bet she asked you to send everyone a proper advent calendar with chocolate in it

Me: Can’t we just talk about Coronavirus and Trump?

Why Emily Rose Should Not Go On Dates. A play of tableaus.

27 October 2020

(1 minute in)

Him: What school did you go to?

Me: Are you seriously asking me what school I went to?

Him: What's your surname?

Me: We are not doing Jewish Geography right now.

(20 minutes in)

Him: Wow. That's so surprising! I've never met anyone our age who knows who Benny Goodman is.

Me: You also spent most of your degree in JSoc, so that's less surprising.

(45 minutes in)

Him: JFS is really diverse.

Me: Does diverse have a different definition in Yiddish?

(In uber home, Emily Rose is still trying to recover from the shock that there are people out there who have no non-Jewish friends.)

[End of Play]

Sarah and Isaac. A Jewish Geography Play.

28 October 2020

(Sarah joins Isaac at a reasonably nice pub in the North London area. They find each other very attractive.)

Isaac: Hi

Sarah: Hi

(They awkwardly smile at each other.)

Isaac: Where do you live?

Sarah: Edware. You?

Isaac: Bushey.

(Mutual sweet giggle.)

Isaac: What school did you go to?

Sarah: JFS. You?

Isaac: Immanuel College.

Sarah: Did you like it?

Isaac: Yes. What shul do you go to?

Sarah: Edgware Federation.

Isaac: Do you know the Kleins?

Sarah: Yeah.

Isaac: (more happily) Do you know the Sheens?

Sarah: Yeah, I know the Sheens!

Isaac: (even happier) Do you know the Witzenbergs?!

Sarah: Yes, of course I know the Witzenbergs!!

Isaac: They're my relatives!!!

Sarah: They're my relatives too!!!!

(Long pause.)

(Sarah and Isaac spend the rest of the date calculating how much DNA they share.)

[End of Play.]

Post Christmas Party: A Repatriation Play

11 January 2018

Manager: The Christmas party turned this place into a Chekhov Play!

(Staff continue to look at each other in tormented silence.)

[End of Play.]